listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
