well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
