If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My balls are so social today.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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