okay pat passed out under dana's car
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
