but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
