The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
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