This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
