When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
