If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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