if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You need Xanax blowdarts
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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