I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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