I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
