It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
