Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
