as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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