that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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