Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
