you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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