Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
