Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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