no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
