I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
