a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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