We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
