Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
