Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
