And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You are a genius and a whore.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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