after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
