She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize