we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
