Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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