Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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