good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My cat gives me a boner
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
