Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
