I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize