Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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