this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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