I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My breasts were aching with rage.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Drunk is not a location!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
