Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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