No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
