If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
