I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
