I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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