I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
