I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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