Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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