I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
