I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
