Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
