Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
