i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
