I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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