is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
