this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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