The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
