All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
