my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
