bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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