in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
