I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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