I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
